How to Stop Hoping Your Ex Comes Back

If you’ve ever found yourself clinging to the hope that your ex will come back — that they'll change their mind, realise they made a mistake, and want another chance — you’re not alone. That hope can feel intoxicating. It offers a sense of control and a fantasy of resolution when everything feels raw and unresolved. But as comforting as it might be in the moment, this hope often keeps us stuck, anchoring us to the past and preventing us from healing.

In this post, I want to explore why we hold onto hope after a breakup, how to relate to that part of ourselves with compassion rather than judgment, and how we can begin to act from self-worth rather than longing.

Hope is Human

Let’s start here: hope is not bad. It's not weak or pathetic or something you need to "get over" as quickly as possible. Hope is a deeply human response to loss, especially when the ending wasn’t your choice. If you were broken up with, if you didn’t get closure, or if you still feel love for the person, of course there's a part of you hoping they’ll come back.

Even when you know the relationship wasn’t healthy or right for you, you might still want to feel chosen. Wanted. Missed. That doesn’t make you foolish—it makes you human.

You Don’t Need to "Stop Hoping" Overnight

Often, when people ask "How do I stop hoping my ex comes back?" what they’re really saying is, "I don’t want to feel this way anymore. It hurts." And I get it. Hope can feel painful when it’s unreciprocated, when it keeps us in limbo, when it prevents us from moving forward.

But trying to force yourself not to hope—to suppress or shame that part of you into silence—rarely works. If anything, it creates more inner conflict. The invitation here is to let the hope be in the car, but not in the driver’s seat. It can come along for the ride, but it doesn’t get to make your decisions.

Anchor Into the Part of You That Knows You Deserve More

You might feel conflicted. One part of you hopes they'll come back. Another part knows you deserve better. That second part might feel quieter, smaller, harder to access. But it’s there. And every time you choose to act from that place—the place that remembers your worth and your vision for the kind of relationship you want—you strengthen it.

Even if it’s only 5% of you today that believes you deserve more, let that 5% make the decisions. Let that part guide you. Over time, it will grow stronger.

Letting Go of Fantasy to Make Room for Reality

So often, we don’t just miss the person—we miss the idea of what could have been. The imagined future. The apology that never came. The version of the relationship that only existed in our minds.

Letting go of that fantasy is grief work. And sometimes hope acts as a shield from that grief. It delays the pain of finality. If you notice yourself stuck in longing, ask yourself gently: What is this hope protecting me from? And can I tend to that underlying pain directly, rather than staying stuck in the loop?

Journaling can be a beautiful practice here. Try writing from the prompt: "I am hoping that..." and let your thoughts spill out onto the page. Don’t edit or censor. Just notice what comes up.

Choose Self-Respect Over Scraps

It might sound harsh, but it's worth saying plainly: trying to win back someone who has chosen to leave can be a form of self-abandonment. When we’re in the thick of it, it can feel romantic or loyal. But over time, it can erode your sense of dignity.

You deserve to be with someone who is sure about you. Who chooses you freely, not out of guilt or persuasion. Every time you act in alignment with that truth—by not texting your ex, by unfollowing them on social media, by pouring your energy into your own life—you reclaim a little more of your power.

Holding Yourself Through the Hard Days

Healing isn’t linear. There will be days when you feel strong and grounded, and others when the longing knocks the wind out of you. That doesn’t mean you’re back at square one. It just means you’re human.

Speak kindly to yourself on those days. Remind yourself that you're doing the best you can. Reach for the tools that support you—guided meditations, time in nature, support from friends, or courses like Higher Love that walk with you through this terrain.

A Final Word…

You don’t need to shame yourself for hoping. That hope had a purpose—it buffered the grief, it held you when everything else felt uncertain. But at some point, it may become more of a weight than a comfort. And that’s when you get to make a choice.

You get to choose to move forward, not because you no longer care, but because you care about yourself enough to let go of what isn’t choosing you.

And that’s where real healing begins.