5 Ways to Support an Avoidant Partner (Without Abandoning Yourself)
In this post, I’m sharing five ways you can support an avoidant partner to feel more comfortable, safe, and secure in your relationship.
I’m constantly fielding questions from my community along the lines of “How can I get my partner to open up?” or “What can I do to stop my partner from pulling away when they’re triggered?” And while I’m always quick to remind people that we can’t control another person’s behaviour — nor should we take responsibility for managing their emotions — healthy relationships are built on interdependence, responsiveness, and mutual care.
So consider the suggestions below not as minimising your own needs, but as ways of creating the conditions for greater safety and connection, if your partner is willing to meet you there.
1. Don’t villainise them
If you want to support your avoidant partner, it’s crucial that you don’t villainise them or weaponise their attachment style against them.
In a lot of attachment discourse online, avoidant people are deeply demonised. “Avoidant” becomes shorthand for selfish, emotionally unavailable, uncaring, or even narcissistic. It’s treated like a character flaw rather than a protective pattern — and frankly, that framing is inaccurate and unhelpful.
Avoidant attachment, like anxious attachment, is rooted in fear and pain. The difference is how that fear is managed. Where the anxious system moves towards closeness under threat, the avoidant system moves away. If you’re anxiously attached, their strategies are likely to feel intolerable and often hurtful — but that doesn’t make them malicious.
Are some avoidant people dishonest or selfish? Of course. But so are some anxious people. Painting an entire group with the same brush based on a handful of experiences is unfair — and it certainly won’t help your partner feel safe enough to soften or open up.
Alongside this, I’d strongly encourage you to resist the urge to forcibly “diagnose” your partner.
I see this all the time: someone discovers attachment theory and immediately wants to convince their partner that they’re avoidant. While I understand the desire to share insights, repeatedly pointing out their traits, sending articles, or pushing books across the table often lands as criticism, control, or an attempt to change them.
Believe it or not, this rarely brings people closer.
2. Respect their need for space, privacy and autonomy
For many anxiously attached people, distance quickly translates into uncertainty — and uncertainty triggers anxiety. The desire for space can feel threatening, confusing, or even rejecting.
But it’s important to zoom out. There is nothing inherently wrong with valuing autonomy, independence, or alone time. In fact, anxiously attached people often have a lot to learn here about cultivating a solid sense of self outside the relationship.
For avoidant individuals, hyper-independence and self-sufficiency are usually long-standing survival strategies. These patterns often formed early in life and worked very effectively at keeping them safe when closeness didn’t feel reliable.
So when someone pushes past their boundaries, insists on more closeness than they can tolerate, or frames their need for space as “wrong,” it can feel deeply invasive and overwhelming.
Supporting an avoidant partner means respecting their need for space while also honouring your own needs. It’s not about collapsing into their preferences — it’s about finding a workable middle ground where neither person feels chronically threatened.
Ironically, the more their autonomy is respected, the less compelled they often feel to rely on distancing strategies.
3. Communicate clearly, directly, and explicitly
Many avoidant people don’t have the same emotional vocabulary or attunement skills as other attachment styles. This can include difficulty identifying their own feelings, reading emotional cues, or knowing how to respond to emotional expression.
Anxiously attached people, by contrast, tend to be highly attuned — often scanning the environment, reading between the lines, and anticipating others’ needs. Problems arise when we assume our partner has the same capacity, and then feel hurt or resentful when they don’t.
Expecting your partner to read your mind, intuit your feelings, or interpret subtle cues is a fast track to gridlock. So is shaming them for not knowing something you haven’t clearly communicated.
If you want your needs met, clarity is your best ally.
Try language like: “When X happened, I felt Y. Going forward, it would really help me if we could do Z.”
It may feel vulnerable or uncomfortable to ask so directly — but it dramatically increases the likelihood of being understood and responded to.
4. Be mindful of blame, criticism, and accusation
Avoidant people often carry a deep sensitivity around inadequacy. Many feel as though they’re constantly disappointing others, never doing enough, or always getting it wrong — even when they believe they’re genuinely trying.
When feedback comes in the form of blame or criticism, this can quickly trigger defensiveness, shutdown, or disengagement.
Anxious people, by contrast, tend to respond to criticism by over-explaining or trying harder to be understood — another example of how these patterns pull in opposite directions.
If you notice that your frustrations often come out as complaints, my invitation is to pause and ask: What do I actually want or need here?
Underneath criticism there is almost always an unmet need. When you can express that need as a clear request or desire, rather than an accusation, you dramatically increase your chances of connection.
5. Learn their love languages
Finally, get curious about how your avoidant partner expresses love.
In my experience, avoidant people often favour more non-verbal or experiential love languages — such as quality time, acts of service, or gift giving. Anxiously attached people, on the other hand, often prioritise words of affirmation and physical closeness.
This mismatch can mean that bids for connection are easily missed or misinterpreted.
If you want to strengthen your bond, start noticing how your partner does show care — and acknowledge it. Appreciation goes a long way in helping avoidant partners feel seen rather than scrutinised.
At the same time, consider experimenting with showing love in ways that feel meaningful to them — whether that’s planning a thoughtful date, doing something practical to support them, or offering shared experiences rather than verbal reassurance alone.
Supporting an avoidant partner doesn’t mean erasing yourself or tolerating unmet needs indefinitely. It means approaching the relationship with curiosity, compassion, and clarity — and recognising that safety is built through understanding, not force.
If you want to go deeper into navigating anxious–avoidant dynamics, this is a core focus of my work — and something I return to again and again inside my programs and resources.
FREE TRAINING FOR ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT