Why Toxic Relationships Are So Hard to Get Over (Even When You Know They Weren’t Good for You)
We tend to assume that leaving a toxic or dysfunctional relationship should bring instant relief. After all, if the relationship was chaotic, draining, or downright unhealthy, shouldn’t the breakup feel like freedom?
But if you’ve lived this experience, you already know how untrue that is.
Far from feeling light and liberated, many people feel more confused, emotional, and stuck after leaving an unhealthy relationship than they did in the relationship itself. You might find yourself replaying conversations, obsessing over “what ifs”, or even longing for someone who hurt you. You may know rationally that the relationship was bad for you, and yet feel a deep emotional pull you can’t switch off.
If that’s your experience, you’re not broken — and you’re certainly not alone. In this post, we’ll explore why toxic relationships are so hard to recover from and what can help you reclaim your clarity, peace, and self-worth.
Why Leaving a Toxic Relationship Isn’t the Hard Part — It’s What Comes After
When you finally leave a deeply dysfunctional relationship, there is often a part of you that feels relief. The part that’s exhausted by the arguments, the chaos, the inconsistency, or the emotional turmoil breathes a quiet thank God that’s over.
But very quickly, another part takes over — the one that feels confused, ashamed, heartbroken, or even haunted by the relationship.
Toxic relationships rarely end with tidy explanations or satisfying closure. These dynamics tend to be:
Chaotic and unpredictable
Inconsistent or emotionally volatile
High-conflict or highly avoidant
Marked by poor communication and poor repair
When the end comes, it often brings more questions than answers. And the brain doesn’t cope well with an unresolved story.
You may find yourself thinking:
Why did I stay so long?
Why couldn’t I fix it?
How did things get this bad?
What was real and what wasn’t?
These aren’t just thoughts — they’re expressions of your nervous system trying desperately to make sense of an experience that was fundamentally nonsensical.
And for those with anxious attachment, this confusion is even more amplified.
Why Anxious Attachment Makes Toxic Relationships Even Harder to Leave
If you lean towards anxious attachment, your instinct under relational stress is to try harder. Instead of taking distance when something feels unsafe, you move closer. You problem-solve. You over-function. You shape-shift. You make yourself useful. You persist long past the point of exhaustion.
This means that in dysfunctional dynamics:
The more chaotic your partner is, the more activated your anxiety becomes.
The more anxious you feel, the more you double down on fixing, smoothing over, pleasing, and proving.
The more you invest, the more your sense of self becomes wrapped up in making the relationship work.
Over time, your world becomes smaller. You stop sharing openly with friends or family because you feel ashamed of what you’re enduring or of how long you’ve stayed. Your life contracts around the relationship, even if the relationship isn’t nourishing you.
When it finally ends, it can feel like a bomb has gone off — and you’re left wandering through the rubble. You’re not just losing a partner; you’re reckoning with how much of yourself you lost along the way.
This is why letting go feels so intensely disorienting.
Why You Miss Them More After It’s Over
When the relationship ends, all the daily dysfunction disappears — the conflict, the anxiety, the emotional rollercoaster. What’s left is:
Your grief
Your attachment longing
Your memories of the good moments
The absence of the companionship, comfort, or intimacy you once had
Your brain, seeking relief from pain, reaches for the familiar. It starts idealising the past. It minimises the harm. It convinces you that maybe it wasn’t that bad. This is normal — and it’s exactly why people go back to toxic partners again and again.
This is not a sign that the relationship was healthy.
It’s a sign that your nervous system is trying to soothe itself in the only way it knows how.
The Closure Myth: Why They Can’t Give You What You’re Looking For
Most people believe they need closure from the other person in order to move on. In toxic dynamics, this is especially tempting because you were never given clear communication, emotional honesty, or accountability in the relationship itself.
But here’s the hard truth:
The person who left you confused is not the person who can give you clarity.
If they didn’t have the capacity to communicate respectfully and consistently during the relationship, they won’t suddenly develop that skill now. And seeking closure becomes a way of staying attached — a way of postponing acceptance by keeping the door cracked open.
Your closure doesn’t come from their explanation.
It comes from your acceptance — even when the story doesn’t make perfect sense.
Letting Go Doesn’t Happen Before You Move On — It Happens Because You Move On
Many people believe:
“I can’t move on until I feel better.”
But in reality, the opposite is true. You start to feel better once you begin moving on.
Taking action — rebuilding your routines, reconnecting with friends, reclaiming your sense of self — creates the space for emotional healing to take place.
Your feelings don’t lead your behaviour here. Your behaviour leads your feelings.
The Importance of Not Isolating Yourself
Toxic relationships often create emotional isolation. You either didn’t have the bandwidth to maintain other relationships, or you hid the truth because you felt embarrassed or ashamed.
When the breakup hits, your instinct might be to withdraw even further.
But healing requires connection.
Reach out to people who love you. Tell the truth — gently, without self-judgment. Let yourself be supported and seen.
Re-entering safe, nourishing relationships is one of the most powerful ways to repair your sense of self and remind your system that you’re not alone.
Final Thoughts
Recovering from a toxic relationship is messy, confronting, and deeply human. You’re not weak for struggling. You’re not foolish for staying longer than you wish you had. You’re not broken for wanting someone who hurt you.
You’re healing from something that touched your deepest attachment wounds — and that takes time, compassion, and support.
Little by little, as you accept what happened and take steps toward rebuilding your life, you’ll find your footing again. You’ll reconnect with who you are. And you’ll move towards relationships that feel grounded, loving, and secure.