Boundaries vs. Ultimatums

For people with anxious attachment patterns, the language of boundaries can feel confusing and even threatening. Terms like boundaries, ultimatums, requests, demands, and deal-breakers often blur together, creating uncertainty about how to communicate needs without crossing into controlling behaviour. This confusion makes sense when you consider that many of us didn't grow up with healthy boundary modelling, and our communication patterns have historically revolved around a single question: how do I get someone close and keep them close?

The challenge becomes particularly acute when anxiously attached individuals learn about communication skills and boundaries but attempt to apply them without addressing the underlying wounds and insecurities. The result is often a band-aid approach: saying the right words from a book or social media post, following a script, but lacking the internal sturdiness to back it up. This disconnect leads to demands and threats rather than genuine self-advocacy.

The Anatomy of a Request

When something feels off in a relationship, the first step should be making a request. A request is straightforward: you express how you're feeling and invite the other person to modify their behaviour accordingly. For example: 'It really doesn't feel good for me when you're scrolling through your phone at the dinner table. Would you be open to us putting our phones aside during mealtime so we can actually be present with each other?'

A request can address an unmet need or communicate a limit. In the context of boundaries, it might sound like: 'I'm not comfortable with you raising your voice. Please stop shouting.' This is an invitation to the other person to accommodate you, and it's entirely legitimate. However, for anxiously attached individuals, making requests can feel deeply uncomfortable. There's often an underlying belief that asking for anything means taking up too much space or being difficult, leading to patterns of self-abandonment and resentment.

What Makes a Boundary Different

A boundary differs from a request in a crucial way: it's the limit of what you can tolerate, coupled with the action you will take if that limit isn't respected. Critically, a properly framed boundary should not require the other person to cooperate or modify their behaviour in order for there to be a consequence. That's the domain of requests. A boundary is about what you will do.

Following the earlier example, a boundary might sound like: 'If you continue raising your voice at me, I am going to leave the room' or 'I am going to hang up the phone and we can resume this conversation later.' You make the initial request ('Please stop shouting'), and if the person continues to shout despite your request, it becomes your responsibility to honour your limit and take action.

This is where many people become uncomfortable. Doesn’t setting a boundary like this count as a threat or manipulation? The key distinction lies in intent and follow-through. If you've historically lacked boundaries and your version of self-care has been trying to get people to behave differently so you feel better, then yes, this language might feel controlling. If you know that your communication has been wielded as a tool to elicit an outcome, said whilst secretly hoping you won't actually have to follow through, then it would be more like a threat.

However, a healthy boundary is fundamentally not about controlling the other person. It's about articulating what you are and aren't available for, and following through on that limit is an act of responsible self-care in service of healthier relationships. If you're saying you won't put yourself in situations where you're exposed to something that doesn't feel safe, that's your responsibility. If you continually find yourself in contact with this thing that doesn't feel right, it's your responsibility to defend the boundary.

This proves exceptionally difficult for anxiously attached people because we default back to step one: we just keep making the request over and over, perhaps getting louder and more desperate, explaining why the boundary is important and hoping the other person will change their behaviour so we don't have to do the difficult thing, which sometimes means removing ourselves from a situation or relationship.

When Boundary Language Gets Weaponised

What happens when someone uses therapy language to shut down communication or gain the upper hand? If you're trying to voice a need and someone responds with 'I don't feel comfortable with this, if you keep talking about this topic, I'm going to walk away,' and you feel you're being put up against a brick wall in an unfair way, this scenario is entirely possible. Their behaviour might not be healthy or secure.

However, it's not for you to decide whether their boundary is valid. You cannot dismiss or push past a boundary simply because you think it's unfair or an excuse. That would be disrespectful behaviour on your part. Anxiously attached individuals often struggle with respecting others' boundaries, operating from a place of 'I just need to say this thing,' and continuing to push.

If you don't like someone's boundary, you can reassess whether and on what terms you want to be in relationship with them. If you feel silenced or kept at arm's length in ways that don't work for you, that's valuable information. But ultimately, it comes back to you to decide what to do in light of their boundary. Their boundaries, behaviour, and choices belong to them. You can only control what you do in response.

This represents a significant paradigm shift. It might sound obvious, but for someone who has typically been very anxious and enmeshed in relationships, operating from a mindset of 'I need to make them behave the way I want so that I feel okay,' it can be a real adjustment to start thinking about relationships in terms of what actually sits within your sphere of control and responsibility.

Ultimatums vs Deal-Breakers

An ultimatum is essentially a deal-breaker coming from an unhealthy, insecure place. The substance might be similar or even identical ('This won't work for me, so if this continues to be present, I'm out'), but the difference lies in the energy behind it.

Deal-breakers are important to identify and follow through on. Particularly in dating, without knowing your deal-breakers, you'll likely pursue connections based purely on chemistry and feelings without assessing underlying alignment and compatibility. Understanding your limits (what you're available for and what constitutes a no-go zone) forms a crucial part of secure relationships.

An ultimatum, however, functions more as a power play. It involves wielding a deal-breaker to get someone on the right side of the line. Ultimatums tend to carry energy of threat and demand: 'You have to do this or I'm leaving' or 'I'm going to do X.' It's designed to scare or intimidate someone into doing what you want, and this almost always stems from insecurity.

The distinction to remain mindful of: are you over there with them trying to change their behaviour, or are you here with yourself stating what's true for you in terms of what you're available for? If something is present in the relationship that constitutes a deal-breaker for you, you're not communicating this to jump up and down and make them not do the thing. You're simply stating: this is the line, and it's a no from me.

Consider the unfortunately common scenario of repeated boundary violations around infidelity and inappropriate communication with others. Rather than clearly stating when something isn't acceptable and honouring themselves (potentially by walking away depending on circumstances), many people escalate: 'You can't do this to me, you have to stop doing this to me, why do you keep doing this?' They continue returning to 'please stop, please change, please hear me.'

This proves deeply disempowering. With significant relationship issues, the communication piece often isn't so much about words as about action. Self-advocacy functions more as an umbrella concept that involves taking action to back up what we're saying, because saying the thing is far easier than following through.

All Bark and No Bite

Anxiously attached people often fall into a pattern of being all bark and no bite. There's significant fear around actually following through on stated boundaries, which dilutes the power of our words. This ends up taking the form of empty threats repeated over and over. People clock onto this pattern quickly.

Whilst we would love for everyone to be respectful and attuned enough to recognise the pain their actions might cause in advance and therefore never cause it, the reality differs. If people can have their cake and eat it too (they behave in a particular way, you get upset and say 'don't do that again,' but then they do it again and nothing happens except you getting upset), that might not provide sufficient incentive. Sometimes people need to experience consequences to understand that certain behaviours aren't acceptable.

When there's a track record of empty threats, we must examine the part we're playing in continuing that dynamic rather than simply pointing fingers and asking 'How could you do this to me?' The real question becomes: how can I keep doing this to myself? Because I'm the one who's still here, I'm the one still tolerating this even when I say I won't.

It's crucial that when you say something is a non-negotiable or deal-breaker, you honour that. We often say these things hoping someone will respect them, but then continue to tolerate whatever the issue is. That's where we abandon ourselves, and that represents a significant form of self-betrayal for anxiously attached people. The commitment must be: I will not abandon myself by continuing to tolerate something I've said I will not tolerate.

The Bigger Picture: Self-Worth as Foundation

Communication isn't simply about saying the right thing in the right way in your relationships. It's not about perfecting a script and suddenly having secure communication. Communication represents just the tip of the iceberg, the surface layer.

Underneath lies all the material that makes self-advocacy genuinely hard and scary: can I really take a stand for my needs? Are my needs valid? Am I allowed to honour myself by walking away from something that doesn't feel good? These questions bring us into contact with our deepest wounds and insecurities.

Attempting to solve for communication without addressing these underlying parts means missing crucial elements. We need to explore what's stopping us from honouring ourselves in the first place. Why does that feel impossible? Why do we revert to pleading, persuading, and explaining ourselves for the hundredth time? Until we understand these patterns and bring those wounded parts along for the journey, we're unlikely to shift our behaviour in any meaningful way.

Boundary work ultimately comes back to self-worth. It's about honouring ourselves, and it's extraordinarily difficult to do that (to put your wellbeing above a connection) if connection functions as a lifeline. If you operate from a place of 'I am not okay without this person or this connection,' when that feels like a life raft and you believe you'll drown without it, then of course you'll voice a need but drop it the moment the relationship feels threatened. You'll hold the relationship and abandon the need.

That represents the bigger work for anxiously attached individuals: learning to stand on your own two feet so you can approach relationships from level footing. This means feeling secure enough that if something isn't right or isn't working, you're comfortable honouring yourself and walking away. Sadness and grief will naturally accompany a relationship potentially ending or changing in form, but your wellbeing matters. The goal is treating yourself as someone who is precious and worthy of care rather than casting yourself aside in favour of holding onto someone else.

Moving Forward

The path towards healthier boundaries and genuine self-advocacy isn't about perfecting communication scripts or learning to set boundaries in isolation. It requires parallel work on the foundations: healing core wounds, building self-worth, and developing the internal sturdiness that allows you to honour your needs even when it feels uncomfortable or risky.

When you can distinguish between requests and boundaries, understand the difference between deal-breakers and ultimatums, and most importantly, follow through on what you say matters to you, you'll find that your communication naturally becomes more authentic and effective. The words will carry weight because they're backed by genuine self-respect and the willingness to act in alignment with your values, even when that action proves difficult.